Well the end of the year is upon us. Wow, it has gone really, really fast. I can’t say I mind though…
Still having my website worked on. I am not sure what opinion I have on that yet. I can tell you this, though, anyone who gets one made without having to be involved? Lucky. LOL. On one hand I am learning a lot about the semantics involved in running a website, on the other hand, I have had no intention of being a webmaster. What’s a girl to do? I dunno. Hopefully all Y’all will want to see enough of my pussy that I can hire someone to run it before too long ;o) I was naive in thinking all I had to do was pay a designer, give some content, and voila, a website. Nope. Insert programmers, billing, content management, webcam solutions, affiliates, marketing, content theft watchers…bla bla bla.. and each one thinks you know how it all works HA! Not even close, my friend, not even close. Anyway, that’s what is taking me so long!
Its kinda like sink or swim. Well, for now I am treading water. Time will tell whether I win the English Chanel in a mad race of elation, or plummet slowly into an icy depth like the Titanic hahahah!
The year has (and it seems for everyone) been filled with endless dramas… friend dramas.. porn dramas…family dramas…work dramas… and all I wanna do is have sex, eat, and be merry. I would love it if my life really were as those perceive it to be.. nothing but sex and joking around, but alas, that is far from reality most days.For drama.. ugh. I hate drama. And what I hate even more, is having it thrown at me and turned around on me where it looks like it’s MY drama!! OMFG that makes me irate. But, par for the course, it’s been that way…all year! Sometimes I wonder if its the dues I am paying for a great 2012.. but then also I wonder if that’s just the way it is now that the economy is bad/not recovering and everyone is on constant edge .. again time will tell on that one, as well.
Some of you are asking what projects I have up and coming. I will say, who knows. I have a lot of offers all the time, but to be honest, this business really makes me nervous anymore, especially where working with other talent is concerned. This year I got a call a week after shooting a scene with someone and was told that person was out and about doing undesirable sexual things, a drama and health risk I TRULY did not want to hear. Turns out it was all ok but that week until I found out it was ok? Really turned me off to shooting in a weird way. Again, if I can’t pick the talent, and know what they are up to, I am not into it anymore. Refer back to closet freaks post ;o) and another reason why I love webcam so much (aside from one on one interaction with you guys, which is #1)
I started as a solo model and for all intents and purposes I am back to solo for the time being. Of course if a big production comes up, I have a bit more control over that. But little stuff for midrange companies? No, thank you.
So on reflections, what I have learned this year? Well, that me, myself, and I are truly all I can rely on, all that I care to have involved, and all that I can truly trust. Maybe it has always been this way, maybe it is that way for everyone, but as egregrous humans, we deny it so we don’t feel so alone. Personally, I am coming to grips with that fact and I am making peace with it. Now this isn’t to say I don’t have and enjoy close friends, people who care, people who help me out, and people whom I share stuff with.. What it does mean, is that I am fully aware on every email, conversation, text, and interaction where I truly stand, and that’s ok by me. I think at some point, the chick has to leave the philisophical nest. Maybe it took me till 41 to figure it out, but at least I did.
What does next year hold? I dunno. I feel like a big ball of dough that rose up nicely, then was punched down into a flat mess, and now I am waiting for some external warmth to allow me to rise again. But, as a type A personality, I doubt I will allow an outside influence to build me up again. This is where self sufficient internal work and internal warmth has to be born, used, and maintained.. that is my goal for 2012 ;o)
And a special thanks to those who give me daily multifaceted support, for that I am truly grateful. You know who you are ;-D
So… all that being said…I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and best wishes for a prosperous and happy New Year!